The True Story of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Duke 'The King' Nukem
Summary: Haruhi and the SOS Brigade are in trouble when Haruhi is suddenly stricken with a mysterious illness. Can Kyon and the gang find the cure, whilst avoiding the various mayhem that tears apart Japan? Contains strong violence, language and suggestive scenes.
1. ENDGAME

The true story of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Chapter 1: ENDGAME

Haruhi suzumiya was your average high school student, only she wasn't your average high school student because she had world editing prowess. Haruhi belonged to a club at her school known as the SOS brigade. Their mission was to rid the world of all true evil and keep the halls safe for the students and staff for another day. Our story begins on Christmas day.

"PRAISE JESUS!" Exclaimed an excited haruhi entering the sos brigade club room.

When kyon heard this it pissed him off because he knew haruhi did not know or care about the true meaning of Christmas or Christianity for that matter.

"Dammit Haruhi you don't know or care about the true meaning of Christmas or Christianity why do you always make fun of other cultures?" quote Kyon

"Shuttup you jew lover!"

Kyon face palmed and threw ms asahina's tea at haruhi. She was wet and hot and mad at kyon. Just then Itsuki koizumi shot kyon an angry glare.

"Dammit kyon! If you piss off haruhi she'l fuck up the world again and im tired no more fucking up the world capiche?"

"Capashe" Kyon was at breaking point at this point.

Haruhi took off her clothes because they were wet and hot and sorta smelled like coffee now. Kyon was getting a boner and tried hiding it behind the computer. Haruhi noticed this kyons boner. "KYON STOP WATCHING PORN YOUR GONNA GET US FUCKIN BANNED". Kyon apologized and asked to be excused. Haruhi denied his being excused because she "didn't want him to go masturbating again".

"LISTEN UP YOU SLAVES"

"oh great now shes calling us slaves…" Kyon wasn't sure why he still pretended to be surprised by haruhis constant name calling and race bashing but since he had no other friends he decided not to object.*

"THE SOS Brigade IS GOING TO HELP RAISE MONEY FOR THE POOR THIS CHRISTMAS AND I WANT TO SEE A CHILD SMILE" Haruhi was laughing and pointing at kyon. He wasn't sure why but blushed because she was still wearing no cothes.

"Dammit haruhi wear some clothes!" "I CANT THEY'RE WET THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR AROGANCE!" "Then wear my clothes" Mikuru handed haruhi her clothes she was naked now along with haruhi. Kyon started masturbating.

Haruhi threw her hands in the air. "MIKURU YOU LITTLE WHORE GENIOUS IF WE SELL YOUR BODY TO STRANGERS WE CAN GET MONEY FOR THE ORPHANS!" Mikuru shaked and was cold and scared.

Kyon objected this idea because he did not like it whenever haruhi bullys mikuru because he thinks she is a cute girl because just finished masturbating. Haruhis face went from smiling to looking dead serious as she looked out the window.

"It only takes one to make a difference kyon…" A single tear rolled down haruhis face. Kyon thought about this and sighed. "Sighhh"

"Well I need to go home and get some sleep im really not in the mood to eat tea and its getting late see ya tomorrow." As haruhi left, kyon knew something wasn't right. She was supposed to be peppy and rape mikuru but instead she was sad and cold.

"did anyone else notice haruhi acting strange?" kyon was worried for his friend and mentor.

"Haruhi was once an orphan herself" Yuki Nagato stood up and faced kyon without any fear. Kyon felt intimadated and remembered that he had to pick up groceries for his sister and talking cat and mom I think.

"I..I I-I-I-I (he stuttered) I g2g" kyon ran for the door and left the brigade room. "You can run but you cant hide… Mr kyon" Nagato watched mikuru as she was embarrassed because she was still naked and stepped on a piece off glass cutting her delicate petite foot.

It soon became night time and everyone left and went to bed it was late.

_ End of chapter 1.

When they cry…. Haruhi

* The guy kyon walks to school with is not his friend in this fanfic


	2. You And What OURme

Chapter Two -You and what OURme-

"GRRRRRRROAAAAAAAAN" the noise was loud and ear shattering, as the massive beast let out a year's worth of bowel build up. "DAWNKEH, I NEED MORE TOILET PAPER!" yelled the Scottish sounding creature.  
>"Well dammit, Shrek, we ain't got no more toilet paper!" exclaimed Donkey from outside of the outhouse. Shrek was busy taking a massive shit, probably the best shit that had ever escaped his wretched green nether regions.<br>"I think I'm gonna be a bit longa Dawnkey." Shrek muttered, begining to pant heavily.  
>"Well dammit Shrek, we gotta get to da castle!"<br>"I JUST WANT TO LET A WEE LITTLE WEEDRAT OUT FIRST!"  
>"OH DAMMIT SHREK, DIS AINT NO TIME FOR STERBATIN'!"<br>Suddenly without warning, the ground began to shudder, the earth trembling with magnificent force.  
>"GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN" came the sound as Shrek squeezed out the final pieces of his feces. A massive crater began to shatter the floor beneath him, his small home in the swamp exploding spontaneously as the world around him died.<br>And all went black. Once you go black, you can never go back.

It was a cloudy day in Japan. Kyon was just heading home from school when he realized something falling out of the sky. A large green meteor seemed to be hurdling towards the ground below.  
>"Damn, I need to really lay off the wacky tobacky" murmured Kyon, as he was striken powerfully in the right knee by some sort of feathered projectile, "I guess I'd better go check out what that green meteor is, I bet Ms. Suzumayo is fuckin shit up all ova da damn place."<p>

End of Chapter 2. 


	3. Haruhi's Aneurysm And Baby is Born

The truth of Haruhi Suzumiya Chapter 3rd. Will you choose to believe what is the unbelievable?

CHAPTER 3: Haruhi's aneurysm and baby is born.

"Here aye am, falling to my doom, how did I end up like this you might ask? WELL AYE DUNT FUCKING KNOW AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHHHH!" "DONKEY CUT THE CRAP IM SCARED" shrek knew this was actually his end as moses told him he would fall to his end the night before the night he was approached by three ghosts. Shit strings flew from shreks asshole as he fell. Shrek hit the ground hard and hard infront of a monorail train. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO FIONA!" The rest was like shrek was to many people. A fat stupid Ugly mess.

Kyon was searching for the green meteor for some time now. What he didn't know was if his lottery ticket was a winner. When kyon approached the landing site he was horrified by what he saw. Chunks of green skin and body parts splattered all across the street as far as the eye could see. It reeked of dead. "Whatever it was, its dead now." Kyon found what appeared to be a torn up face stuck in a gutter and picked it up. "Ha, I bet I could scare the pants off of haruhi if I wore this to the club room (and then all that would be left to scare off is her panties) ." Kyon felt aroused!

"ughnnnuuuu kyon-san! heart" haruhi said before opening her eyes to realize it was just a dream. Haruhi was feeling depressed. Everyday she would wear the same clothes, go to the same school, talk to the same kyon and friends same. "Sigh" maybe I should just do it finally. Haruhi stared at the scars along her body. "Why? Why did I have to see those things. Why did it have to be me of all people?" "HARUHI TIME FOR SCHOOL!" Her mother has Chinese voice, but don't come to the fucking conclusion that haruhi is also Chinese because she isn't one of those cheap smelly whores. Haruhi sighed and found some courage deep within her along with a dildo. Shit. She set off for school with one goal in mind. "Im gonna do it" she said.

Kyon was entering the club room when he decided not to enter the club room yet and backed out of the doorway and into the hallway where he bumped into haruhi. "HEY WATCH IT PUNK IM A GOD I COULD FUCK YOU UP IN A FIGHT- Oh its just kyon, c'mon ive got something to show you guys." "Uhh wait haruhi I forgot something in my locker I'll be right back, I promise" Haruhi watched as shaq ran down the hall and then kyon. She kicked down the door of the club room and pulled something out of her bag.

Kyon taped the face to his face. "I hope you fucking piss yourself haruhi… THIS IS FOR YOU MS ASAHINA" RAAWWWWWWWWWRORRRR! Kyon came into the club room wearing shreks face and some blue suede leather shoes while flailing his arms around and yelling. What kyon saw would scar him forever. Koizumi and mikuru were stabbing knifes into haruhis semi-lifeless smoking hot body. "HOLY SHIT HARUHI YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING POP UP PIRATE!" Kyon said. "!" Mikuru yelled as she pissed her panties and blood came out her nose and she drooled and ear wax rolled out her ears. Haruhi just sat there with knifes in her looking out the window. "I told you kyon… it only takes-.." before she could finish she fell to the ground pushing a knife deep into her lung and vag. "AHHH WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DO THIS TO HER! TROLLING IS ONE THING BUT THIS IS TOO FAR!" Kyon yelled while crying running to haruhis aid. "It was at request of the club leader" replied Itsuki. Kyon did not trust or like itsuki he was a bully to haruhi. "Haruhi your gonna be okay we'll get ambulance!" Haruhis eyes looked like those of a dead fish as she stared into kyons soul. "Kyon, have you ever heard of Oyashiros curse? " Kyon started to tremble as he had no fucking clue what was going on. his pupils get mini !(that was supposed to last about 5 minutes pacific time) Kyon pinched himself to make sure wasn't dreaming and threw the face into the waste basket. He wasn't dreaming. this was the real deal. "What has been done… cannot be undone" said haruhi in a low voice. "let me explain" said nagato giving Kyon a hug massaging his biceps. "30 some odd years ago there was a town called…..and they were…festival traditions needed…which resulted in….. which is why ms suzumiya requested her death." "BUT SHES NOT DEAD YET THERES STILL TIME WE CAN SAVE HER!" kyon was feeling desperate and short of time. "We will help ms suzumiya with you kyon, but I cannot garuntee what effects this might have on the world…" Itsuki said.

Kyon had a choice to make. Save Haruhi his friend and latin lover, or the world? What did he value more? P.s[memes ftw]

dedpool5 I hope you read that as "dead-poo-fifteen" fuck you I did

THE END 


	4. Y U HATIN?

Chapter 4 Y U HATIN

Kyon had no idea what to do. The situation was dire now, and if he didn't make a choice soon the world could have no haurhis.  
>"GEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGH!" Kyon roared, unsure of what to do as he shoved Nagato out the window. Nagato fell for hours, the world experiencing a distortion through the pain of Haruhi. The ground began to fill with lava, killing a lot of Japan but luckily a skull raft came by, and Nagato just missed it. She died.<p>

The aliens were pissed as fuck, so Space Invaders (TM) began to rain down from the heavens, firing 8 bits of death onto Koizumi and Mikuru. They died.  
>"K- k- kyon..." Haruhi murmured painfully, "I-... I don't have much time..."<br>"NO HARUHI!" Kyon gasped, "We'll get through this! And then I'll bang that sweet sweet poosee of yours!"  
>"No Kyon... no... for I... have found another..." Kyon startled a look of fear and amazement in his eyes as a dark figure slowly approached them.<br>"Y U HATIN!" the man spoke, a look of pure rage embedding itself in his urethra. It was Siggas, the Angry Black Man, "Haruhi is MINe now, BITCH! I CAN'T BEAT LEVEL 5!" with that he put his hands at his side, his hair begining to glow a shade of gold, "..."  
>"Oh no..." Kyon mumured as his skin went pale "" Kyon braced himself, ready as the was about to meet his end. All of the sudden, a white man in his mid to late twenties leaped out in front of Kyon.<p>

"COWAFUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT!" he yelled, pulling out a SNES Super Scope and firing a laser at Siggas' Kamehameha. It was James Stroffle, the ANGRY NINTENDO MAN! The blasts fired into eachother with tremendous force, the two beams of energy crackling before erupting into a massive explosion, destroying Haruhi, Kyon and half of their school.

SSJ Siggas stood infront of the AVGN, nothing but an apocolyptic wasteland that was once Japan lay around them.  
>"Y James..." The Black Man murmured quietly, holding back the inevitable rage he was keeping within.<br>"Why what, you fucker? You wanna play some shitty gaaaaaames?" James replied, his mouth twisting into a crooked smirk.  
>"Y... U... !" Siggas roared violently, as his hair turned long and gold. The ground around them shook violently as lightning crashed from the heavens above. Siggas was finally in his SSJ3 form, which he attained from training so much in Angry Birds.<br>"We... NEED... TO BE ERASED!" He screamed, a pokeball appearing in his hand, "LET'S SHOW THESE CRIPS N' BLOODS SOME REAL GANGSTA FIGHT. GO BLASTOISE! USE WATER GUN, ATTACK." as he roared, the pokeball flew past his golden hair and a large tortoise burst forth from within. Blastoise roared, shit spewing from it's ass as he let loose a tsunami from his cannons (lol it's Japan).  
>"SHITTY GAAAAAAAAAMES!" James growled as he summoned Godzilla out of the nearby ocean. The might beast roared as Blastoise was disntigrated by its nuclear beams of death, Siggas just managing to deflect the blast with his Ki.<br>"AW HEEEEEEEEEEL NAW." he grimaced, letting out the full power of his energy.  
>"MUTHAFUCKING PIECE OF DOG SHIT!" James growled as he hopped onto his flying Rollin' Rocker, chugging back a Roll and Rock as he did.<br>The final battle of good versus evil was about to unfold, but who would prove greater? SSJ3 Siggas? Or James Strudel?

Amidst the carnage, Dr. Robotnik (from SatAm, that fat piece of shit one) crawled his way over to the nearby garbage can. The remains of a green monster's face lay there tattered and worn, a monster who's DNA could prove to be valuable.  
>"Snivellllllly! Fetch my ship, we're leaving." and with that, that big old fat piece of shit took Shrek's mangled face and left.<p>

Amidst more wreckage, a tortured stabbed girl managed to raise from the ashes. Haruhi and Kyon looked on at the destruction with pure terror. On and on and on and on. 


	5. The Eiffel Cannon

Chapter 5: For Haruhis true story…. The Eiffel cannon.

Haruhi used the hymlick maneuver to bring back the other club members except yuki nagato. Haruhi also found patchuli knowledges dead lifeless whore corpse. There was no party. "Haruhi please explain this to me in further detail that last chapter was shit" Kyon looked disappointed as he spoke. "Well kyon I appear to have oyashiras curse infected upon my body" Haruhi spoke while shaking and coldness. "Haruhi" kyon was sad. "How can we get rid of this curse?" "If you don't get rid of this curse, all of japan will perish…" "…You didn't answer my fuckin question haruhi." Haruhi looked at herself in a pocket mirror she was fucking hot and felt an itchy sensation on her neck it was "bugging" her. "kyon… this curse can only be lifted by true loves first kiss" Haruhi spoke softly and bullshit and trembled a wittle. For a while there was an awkward feel in the air but it also felt cold because its winter. "well here goes nothing" kyon went to kiss haruhi. "AHHH YOU CREEPER!" "huh where?" kyon turned and looked for the creeper "YOU SON OF A BANDICOOT!" kyon was still confused and wanted to pc games. "Kyon… your not my true love…" haruhi spoke quickly and shortly. Kyon felt heartache. "I'm… I'm gay" whimpered haruhi.

"WHAT THE FLIPPING FUCK HARUHI! I TRUSTED YOU, YOU WHORE FACED NIGGER SUCKING SLUT!" Mikuru quickly covered her mouth with one of her hands.

"No mikuru you were just a one time thing… im so sorry guys I need to go home now and die in… one piece." "WAIT HARUHI!" kyon was seeing things dance all around him they were dogs dancing. "Who is it?" "huh?" "Who is your true love?" "I CANT TELLYOU!" Haruhi started crying and fell to the ground. "Haruhi!" Kyon rushed to her side but was grabbed by haruhi who passionatly made out with him. "Haruhi I thought you gay" "No kyon I love you but your not my true love" "Your not haruhi you're an imposter!" Itsuki shouted "AHA CLEVER BOY I AM NOT WHOM I APPEAR!" kyon looked sad because the gurl he made love with wasn't haruhi but rather a small ice fairy none other than cirno. "NO NO NO NO NO IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FUCKING GARBAGE WHERE IS HARUHI!" Kyon wrangled crino her neck snapped and coughed as she died. "Ahhhh cirno-sama!" Marissa flew down on her broom with a man/faggot. "And who are you supposed to be?" "I AM MARISSA KIRASAME AND THIS IS HARRY POTTER WE ARE IN MAD LOVE AND IM BEING CHASED PLEASE HELP US!" "CHAOS SPEAR" a red dart flew down the stricken witch below the land she fell there. "and who are YOU supposed to be?" "my name is shadow im the worlds ultimate life form theres no time for games FAREWELL" "Kuu" harry casts a spell on shadow - "HEDGEHOGICUS BE THE FUCK GONEICUSS" shadow dies and leaves behind a golden key. "This must be the key to haruhis house guys lets go!" the sos brigade left marissa and harry potter making out passionatly this made kyon feel lonely hes mad love in haruhi but she does not feel the magic for him which makes him sad I know that feel kyon bro.

When the trio arrives at haruhis house itsuki says that he wants to ring the door bell and run away before using the key to barge in so they do. "Listen guys when we open the door I want mikuru to break in the windows with these rocks for dramatic effect got it?" Kyon didn't really get itsukis plan but didn't care because he was about to beat the fuck out of haruhi for not going to a hospital cause shes full of knives. K A B A M B "HARUHI ITS YOUR FRIENDS WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU!" kyon was full of courage until he faced haruhis mom he felt uncomfturble then. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU HOODLUM BOY- before haruhis mom could finish a rock came through the window and killed her dead kyon kicked her body a few times to get it under haruhis tables table cloth then whistled casual "HARUHI ARE YOU HOME?" haruhis mothers last words were "SHE AT HOSPITAL TAKE ME WIT YOU" "NO HARUHI IS MY FRIEND I MUST SAVE HER!" and like that the sos brigade went outside. "HEY TAXI" They took them to the hospital but there were a lot of red lights so the fee went up pretty fast and kyon had no money so he had to ask a "favor" of yuki who get fucked by the cabbie whos a fat black guy with dirty hair idk how he japanned. Kyon was about to enter the hospital when he noticed a sign says closed. "I guess we're too late." "ITSUKI DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE ROCKS?" "yes- kyon grabbed the rocks and started hurling them through the window and killed many nurses but the body gaurds wouldent let them in they were mean. "BODYGAURDICUS GET THE FOUCK OUT ICUS" The body gaurds vanished into a bloody spiral of organs. "HARRY MARISSA!" "GO KYON YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME" nods head "RIGHT!"

About 2 minutes later kyon found haruhis room and entered it. "how goes it haruhi?" "The doctor says ill be fine but oiyashiras curse will kill me unless I find true loves first kiss before sundown, how did you get in here kyon?" Then kyon grabs haruhi and holds her close as he stares into her eyes she feels something its his penis its hard and haruhi likes it the doctors all watch and are aroused but should be busy delivering the babies in the other room. Kyons huge meat starts mashing haruhi in the face but then she tells kyon how they can fuck later and kiss now because there true lovers so they pucker their lips and have hot steamy hospital sex and then haruhi gets a needle up her vag and she mistakens it for kyons dick but he tells her that its longer and would be more painful then a needle so he puts a gause into her vagina to soak up the jizz but that fails but they don't know it yet and she orgasms into an seizure that kyon wakes her up out of with a huge load of his finest. Haruhi then gags and throws up and kyon pats her on the back and says she did good the police are there they are my favourite band THE END

p.s. this is the first time I wrote lemons I hope I did good ^w^

bodacious booty


	6. Gooey Mess

Chapter 6 - Gooey Mess

Jar Jar was feeling miserable. The gungan race had always looked down on him, and no matter how hard he tried or got, he was always getting his ass raped hard by superior beings.

Kyon let out the last of his bazinga over Haruhi's firm young buttocks. Somehow he felt unsatisfied... asthough banging Haruhi had not been the ultimate sexual thrill he has hoped it would be... but why?  
>The door burst open suddenly, a large purple creature breaking through the door,<br>"HEEEEEEEaEEEEEEEEaEEELP!" he alarmed in a dopey voice, "Donald McRonald has been BAZONOLLED!" he shouted.  
>"MCDONALDS IS UNDER ATTACK!" Haruhi shouted as she leaped from her position, running out the window with Kyon's penis between her legs.<p>

Siggas growled as Godzilla ate all of his kamehames.  
>"Y U HATIN, T-REX! Y U HATIN!" he demanded, using his SSJ3 speed to bombard his enemy with swift punches and kicks. He had to act fast, he knew time was limited before...<br>Suddenly from out of the ocean, a massive mechanical beast rose. It was full of spikes and shit, and began firing razor blades all over Japan. McDonald's was fucking done. Ronald was fucking MAD.  
>"OROKA! RAN RAN RUUUUUUUUUUU!" He shouted, blowing the fuck out of the AVGN who was just dicking around with shitty shit.<br>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS" he shouted as pieces of angry vidya went everywhere.  
>"SUCK MAH BIG HAIRY NIGGA DICK!" Siggas shouted, shoving his cock into Godzilla's mouth as the meaty appendage let loose an explosive burst of Ki, destroying Gojirra's head.<br>Meanwhile the massive robot made its way towards the shoreline, towards Mickey Dee's in particular. The robot appeared familiar for some strange reason... but why? Siggas suddenly figured out what it was and why it was here.  
>"OH HEELLL NAW, NOT THEM NASTY ASS BURGER KING BURGERS!" he shouted, realizing it was a gigantic Burger King Robot, "TIME FOR SOME SIGGAS SPIRIT BOMBS! NIGGAS, GIMME YO ENERGY!" he shouted, raising his hands high as the power of Siggas Nation began to flood his veins, "Damn NIGGA, I gotta CHARRRRRRRRRRGE"<p>

"ENOUGH!" lighting surrounded them all, causing Haruhi's remaining clothes to fly off of her and Kyon wanted so bad to tap dat ass. It was Raiden, God of Lightning who had stopped the violence. "What are you all doing? Haven't you heard of how Earth Realm is supposed to settle its differences? Mortal Kaaambat." he muttered, fatalitying the head of the robot to reveal who was controling it.  
>A smiling black face greeted them, it was Siggas' longtime partner Sefus! He waved casually, not saying a word, just smiling as Siggas felt ashamed, embarassed and betrayed and not only that but to top off his shit sundae with piss, Sefus was controlling the machaloid in planking position.<br>"PLANKING!" he shouted, "we... need... TO BE... ERASSSSSSSED!" He fucking roared with pure villanous agony as the Siggas clan's power flowed through his very being, "I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! YOU'VE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME SEFUS!" A large orb of green energy began to form above him, the shape stretching and striping with darker green shapes as the massive beast of power ebbed before them. This was it, if Siggas could destroy the Burger King Bot before it was too late, McDonald's would be saved... But what does Raiden have in store for our African American friend? Find out next time. 


	7. Ms Suzumiya, I Bid You Adieu

Chapter 7 : Ms suzumiya I bid you adieu

The angry black man had just finished taking a dump in sefus face as payback for his game. Kyon and haruhi were stroking each others genetals when they noticed the angry black dude doin the same thing. "WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN HOT?" Haruhi and kyon gave up on fucking the Blackman and ran for the hills. The sos brigade had found a way to save haruhi haruhi needed to find a magic potion the person with the potion was in America. "Cmon gang lets head for America!" Kyon was fucking ecstatic! Haruhi was in pain from the baby kicking. Mikuru was crying because snooki. Nagato was smoking a joint. Koizumi was reading some shitty manga like full metal alchemist or .hack legend of the twilight or insert a tate book here. Haruhi found out that during the flight they could watch movies. The movie haruhi watched was probably about just as good as this fan-fic. As the plane landed the sos brigade had a bunch of trouble and lost their luggage. As soon as the sos brigade left the air port, Pluto ran off after smelling the smell of great American hot wangs. "Hey Pluto! Come back boy!" Kyon yelled after the dog. "I guess that's the last we'll see of him America is so big he could be anywhere" "KYON YOU SACK OF SHIT IF YOU DON'T GET THE CLUB DOG BACK ILL FUCKING CASTERATE YOU WITH A LARGE AMERICAN TOOL WE CLEAR?" Haruhi was mangry. "Wait haruhi since when the fuck did we get a dog?" Everyone was shocked by nagatos sudden not sounding like a complete faggot so they all laughed to wear off awkwardness.

It has been 6 months since that fateful day. The gang never saw Pluto again. Bad end #7 go back to page oh shit this is no choose your own adventure.

after reporting the "Lost dog" to the American army haruhi was forced to pay head tax because she was thought to have been Chinese but that is false as you read in the previous chapters niggers. "Jeez haruhi cant we like sleep somewhere or something im tired and lonely" Mikuru was fucking a signpost to generate body heat she was also cold. Haruhi rolled her eyes and spat on the ground because America is a spithole of shit fucking America sucks. "Okay we'll go to my uncles resort he has spare houses"Itsuki was rich and had lots of rich family that would suck his dick at any given moment. "OKAY CMON KYON YOU SLOWPOKE!" Haruhi was being happy. J

Soon the sos brigade was sleeping in itsukis uncles spare resort home. They were sleeping in real American beds they were big and nice quality unlike those shitty japan beds which ARE NOT BEDS THEY ARE FUCKING MATS YOU POOR FAGS LEARN TO BUILD SUPPORT FOR A FUCKING BED GOD. Haruhi was being haunted by the same dream she saw everynight since "the incident". All the children were being raped and haruhi couldent stop watching it all from her hiding space. "COME'ERE KIDS IM GONNA RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH!" The screams of her fellow classmates would haunt haruhi in these dreams for the rest of her life. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Haruhi woke up screaming to see none other then president barrack obama sitting at the edge of her bed with a camera. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY BED!" "I just came to take some pictures of you in your sleep…. Its how we say welcome in america.." Haruhi breathed a sigh of relief she thought she was going to get raped by an anonymous African American but it was only the president. "Is something wrong ms suzumiya?" the president sounded concerned. "Well ya see when I was little a guy in a grape costume raped and killed all my friends and family and I just hid and watched it all happen so it scared me and I cut myself and cry myself to sleep at night.." "But don't you have Kyon and the sos brigade? Arent they your friends too haruhi?" "Of course I love them with all my bleeding heart." "And what about your Chinese mother? Dosent she love you with all her heart?" "Well yeah but don't kid your self Mr president you wouldent go near that ugly saggy tit whore." "Hahahaha" obama thought that was funny. "Your right haruhi no one likes them!" there was a pause as obama rolled a joint. "Yknow haruhi, when I was engaged to michelle I realized that I made the biggest mistake in my life and that the only way I could forget the things I said and did was by picking up a new hobby" Haruhi looked at the president and looked confused. "Hey mr president how did you know all this stuff about me?" Then obamas jaw dropped and he dropped the joint out of his mouth. He grouped haruhis perfect teenager tits. "HEY!" "That's how we say goodbye in America.." "ohh." She went to grab obamas nips but before she could he jumped out the window with his camera in hand and threw a smoke bomb like ninja. "What a nice country" thought haruhi as she went back to sleep. Kyon was outside her door listening to the whole conversation. He cried and prayed to god that haruhi would be okay and that he would do all in his power to make her happy. "AMEN" Yelled a lady from behind Kyon. She was the cook at the mansion her name was jemmimah she made kyon some pancakes "HEY KYONE I MADE YOU SOME PANCAKES ARE'YA HUNGRY SON?" "Uhhhhh..." Kyon yelled aloud in his head "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT" Ms jemmimah looked like the kind of negro that would fucking suffocate you in her tits if you objected her pancakes, but kyon fucking hates the shit out of pancakes. "Yeah sure that sounds great!" he put on a fake smile and went to eat pancakes in the middle in the night with a lonely fat bitch. Then he went to his bed and went to sleep while fapping to jemmimahs huge rack.

TO BE CONTINUED WHEN I fEEL LIKE IT PMS GOSH


	8. Attack of the Skralx

Chapter 8

Cole McGrath finally had that city he lives in all to himself cause he beat the game. Stuff was still attacking the fuck outta him even though he sposedly killed all da badnes but he wet on anyway. But then suddenly,  
>"" a massive destructive sound burst through the air, shattering all the windows. Cole looked up to the sky and saw it, the creature flying towards him with the wubs all ova dem ons.<br>"Something Tate's dad would say" Cole said, grumbling as the wub assimilated with his being and he died. The creature wubbed loudly once more, coated by the darkness in so that no one could clearly see its face as it leaped into the air with ginormous wings outstretched, flying onward to the rest of America. To kill it.

Kyon awoke slowly, shoving Aunt Jemamama's hairy anus off of his stomach,  
>"Ugh... time is flowing..." he grumbled, eating his alarm clock and putting clothes on. He still had a MASSIVE BONER from when he TAPPED dat SWEET HaruPOOOS but he managed to conceal it like guns.<br>"KYON!" A voice shouted as the door died, "WE HAVE MISSIONS!" Haruhi exclaimed, excitement bubbling in her nether regions and causing Kyon to poot.  
>"We're only in America for one day and there's already things we need to do?" Kyon growlumbled as he finished hiding Jamima's body, "Why, what could be so important?" he demanded, shoving his finger into HAruhi's mouth.<br>"There's MONSTERS on the loose! The BEAST is coming!"  
>"A Beast?" Kyon asked, clearly unamused, "What kind of beast?"<br>"It's the Skralx." Itsuki stated calmly, looking as cool and collected as ever as he leaned against the doorway, "It's been using it's sound bending powers to disrupt more than 90% of the country... and oddly enough it even has a massive group of followers..."  
>"What!" Kyon exclaimed with shock and agony, " But who would want to support such a horrendous, world killing sound!"<br>"I don't know" Itsuki replied, a look of sadness in his eyes, "But we need to stop it now... it's... hip."  
>Mikuru bounced into the room slightly, a wubwub to her step as her earbuds emitted the strange sound.<br>"MIKURU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Haruhi shouted as she ripped her muscles.  
>"It's new tunes! This Skralx makes them, it's HIPSTren!" she chirped cutely as Nagato shot her in the head from behind.<br>"BITCH GOT ZAPPED!" Nagato screamed, hiding the gun in her trusty vag.  
>"It looks like these Hisptren are the cause of the Scralx power... well need to KILL THEM." Itsuki said.<br>"B- but how?" Haruhi was scarred.  
>"We'll need backup..." Said Kyon.<br>"YOU GUIZE'LL NEED TO DO A LITTLE 'mau5in' AROUND!" The gang looked towards the sound of the voice, it was none other than Nathan Rad Spencer!  
>"WOAH, BIOCOMO!" Itsuki exclaimed,<br>"Yeah, stfu nig." Spencer replied, "You'll need a powerful sound to help you defeat the mighty Skralx, and the Mau5 is the only creature powerful enough to emit that sound. But we need to hurry! There's only precious little time left!" He shouted, grabbing Haruhi's lucious bossom and lifting her and the gang in his normal arm, using his metal arm to swing all spiderman like into the city so they could find Deadmau5.

"Wahahaa Snively, it's finally completed!" shouted Robotnik, some big ol robot machine opening in front of him and revealing his newest creation. But the machine was all misty and stuff, like not pokemon misty but like mist the well not the character mist but like the substance that water vapour makes. That was blocking the image of the new creation that said.  
>"RRRRRRRRRARGH. I. AM. AN. OOOOOOOOOOOGRE" in like a robot voice so it's probably a lot more monotone than that but I can't use robot fonts on here so you'll have to pretend.<p>

Raiden knew shit was goin' down in Amerca. He flew over to Siggas, his only trusted friend and said,  
>"We need to stop shittin on Burger King as get over to Amerca. There's trouble afoot."<br>"Y THEY HATIN'" Siggas demanded, returning to his normal form and using his Charizard to fly with Raiden back to the New World.  
>Ronald merely looked on with sadness and rage,<br>"Ran...ran...RUUUUUUU" he exclaimed, a deep bitter grudge begining to form in his heart. For he knew that Siggas was Sefus buddy and that he was probably behind the robot attack even though he obviously was not but this Ronald or Donald Idk whatever they call him over there. Did you know that they don't even advertise with him anymore? I mean really, look around next time you go to Mcdonald's, the most you can fuckin see of him now is like, his glove every now and then on that stupid charity box, and that's not even like a happy meal promotion at all. I mean seriously wtf is up with that? We cant even have lovable mascots anymore? Or is Ronald not mature enough for today's generation? Do we need to shove a dooby down his throat and give him some mk47s just to make kids like him? Shit, I can't imagine how terrible mk47 would be, Nintendo is just over milking that shit at that point. I thought the fact we're at mk7 was bad enough but jesus christ I can't imagine how they'd shit out 40 more. But then again you know it's gonna happen some day. Or maybe not. I don't really care. Do you know how hard it is to live on the streets? If you fuckers had just bought my damn game I wouldn't even be writing this shitty fanfic, but nope Dukey ain't know Blackops so you douchebag kids didn't even spare me a passing glance. I'll be getting out my homoerotic urges next chapter with some yaoi between Kyon and Hahuri, so stay tuned. 


	9. The Ninth Chapter

H-A-R-U-H-I  
>"The names HARUHI and as I always say, Ya aint got no pain ya ain got no troubles!..."<br>"This is the ninth chapter huh?" Kyon was asking a question to deadmouse. "yes it is the 9th chapter." Deadmou5 replies to kyons question answering the riddle once and for all. THE END. Of the first paragraph.

The gang were swinging through the town with the dedmouse he loved cookies and found them he dropped the sos brigade. "DEADMUSE!" The gang was falling into what appeared to be a jungle. It was funny noisy and leafy. "Ahhwee haruhi I hate bugs!" "SHUT IT KYON THIS IS NOT TIME FOR YOUR HORSE SHIT IM TRYING TO EAT THIS CHOCOLATE!" Haruhi mad "But haruhi my mistress that is no-" "WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SPEAK YOUR NOTHING BUT A GIRL!" A fight broke out as haruhi threw 3 punches at mikuru and she was hurt which made mad kyon madder. "HEY HARUHI THAT AINT CHOCOLATE" "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GOOD TAFFY KYON" "Haruhi I did not say anything" haruhi was confused who was telling her things SHE SAW. A monkey. "awww kawaii! ^w^" "SHUT IT YA TRASHY WEEABOO WHORE." The monkey had talked. "ahhhh a talking monkey kyon save me" he (kyon) grabbed haruhis boobies hahahaha. Haruhi needed to clarify something "monkey what do you mean when you tell me this is not wonka bar""haruhi that is my poo" haruhi went to throw up but couldent because she actually enjoyed the monkeys butt dropping. KYON STOOD TALL "MONKEY WE NEED THE ANTIDOTE CAN YOU TELL US WHERE WE-" Kyon was grabbed by a ghoulie only it wasn't a ghoulie it was a man "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YIFFING WITH THE MONKEYS?" haruhi squirted. "Huh?" The man looked kyon in the eyes and jabbed a small pocket blade in his side it hurts kyon "NOT SOS BRIGADE NOT IN MY ZOO YOU HIPSTERN BASTARDS ARE GONNA PAY" Wait we're your frien "Wait we're your friends" Haruhi told a lie, nobody fell for it, she was whipped. "Please you've got it all wrong we are against the skralx this is just a huge misunderstanding oh my god how could you even do this this is outrageous what a nice way to say HELLO." The tall figure yanked the anal beeds out of kyon he cried like babby "My name is Kevin james and I need to save my zoo from the skralx its not looking good we already lost a lion a giraffe a zebra a hippo and four penguins they are dead we buried them in the monkey cage their over there im sad again : ( " Kyon and kevin james talked about stuff more thourghlry while haruhi and nagato took turns in the gorilla cage. Your sick for even thinking that eww haruhi is a nice girl and a virgin she dosent fuck monkeys eww.

ELSEWHERE Android shrek failed and every  
>One involved died he has no dna shreks ded end of story.<p>

Raiden was riding hard and fast. He loved Chinese brothels. "HEY RAIDEN LESS GO MANG WE NEED TO HELP AMERICA THEY NEED ARE HELP FUCK" Raidens friend and foe siggas was trying to get raiden to stop coming and it worked because raiden aint gay for no niggas. "The last we saw of haruhi she was still smoking hot." Siggas agreed and they started ferociously masturbating together before doing some critical thinking. "How are we gonna get to americaaaa we aint got no moneyyyyy? Its so goddamn haaawwt" "Don't worry siggas my friend, like everything Chinese those whores were cheap, terrible and unsatisfying." Siggas agreed and they started ferociously masturbating together before doing some critical thinking. Again. They walked around for a while trying to suppress the urge to fap when suddenly *FWOOSH* FALKOR THE LUCKDRAGON SWOOPED DOWN FROM WHAT SEEMED TO BE NOWHERE BUT WAS THE SKY. "FEAR NOT MY FRIENDS I CAN TAKE YOU TO AMERICA." Siggas rubbed his eyes "We need to stop smoking weed." Raiden agreed and they were about to start ferociously masturbating together but they thought the large dragon watching them was a bit uncomfortable so they zipped up their flys and fly'd to America after picking up some cheap electronics they knew would only last a week if they were lucky.

"And so that's why we need to save haruhi.." Kyon explained stuff to Kevin james but you fucking missed like half of it earlier. "So you want to get laid?" Kevin james didn't really pay any attention to kyon because he was thinking about food. "precisely." Kyon replied with the honest truth he knew he wanted that sweet sweet poosie more then anyone else except maybe dedmau5. "I tell ya what if you solve my riddle ill help squeeze some jizz out of an elephant which I can then use along with my scientific genius to create the antidote to cure Oyashiras curse." Kevin james smiled. Kyon was intimidated he wet his pants which embarrassed him and mad haruhi mad. "PENALTY!" Haruhi kicked kyon square in the balls. "F$*%!" Kevin james cleared his throat. It was full of food. "What has two eyes, a head and no legs?" Kyon was about to answer rayman but he was cut off by Kevin james sudden spoiling of the answer. "ITS YOUR FRIEND YUKI NAGATO IN THE TIGER PEN AHAHAHAHAH!" Kyon looked over to see nagato being devoured by tony and ty. "Here the antidote is in my back pocket." Kyon reached into kev's back pocket but he didn't haruhi did and she pulled out from his ass a strange smelling purple vile. "Drink it haruhi, and your curse will be lifted!" Kevin james knew his shit he was the fuckin zoo keeper after all. Kevin james commanding haruhi to drink the purple liquid brought back terrible memories to her of the time when she was face fucked by a man in a grape costume only it wasn't haruhi it was her brother who died shortly after. WUB…WUB…WUB… Kevin james looked horrified! "QUICK HARUHI ITS COMING!" This sentence made her reminisce even more about the time she watched her family be raped and killed. Haruhi couldn't take it. She passed out as the Skralx got closer and closer and closer and closer and closer. "GAHH HARUHI PLEASE WAKE UP WE NEED TO GO HOME NOW!" Kyon was afraid he didn't want to lose his wittle hawuhi ? . "QUICK ON THE OSTRDIGE LETS MAKE A RUN FOR IT!" Kevin james spoke of an ostridge but all kyon and mikuru and shit I almost forgot itsuki could see was a man in a fully blue body suit with some weird penis like thing coming out of his head. Kyon carried haruhi close to his heart. I will save you haruhi. I swear it upon my fathers murky grave… they looked back and watched as what little was left of nagato was torn to oblivion by the Skralx terrible noise. Itsuki spoted deedmau5 sitting on the skralx shoulder wearing a crown of gold and actually the paper one from burger king. "You bastard… you've killed everyone who ever loved you and this is how you get your vengeance?"

NEXT CHAPTER: THE CATACLYSMIC END. DEATH OF A TRUE AMERICAN HERO. WHEN THEY CRY. NO MORE DUBSHIT!


	10. Saiyan Pride

Chapter 10 - Saiyan Pride

A Note from the Author:  
>Okay guys, this chapter is where things become SERIOUS SHIT. I MEAN SERIOUS. I MEAN I'M GOING TO FUCKING POUR MY HEART OUT FROM HOW HARD IT HURT ME WHEN YOU FUCKERS DIDN'T BUY MY NEW GAME 'DUKE NUKEM FOREVER' (It's still for sale fyi, mind helping me eat this week?). You'll probably know where I start to let out all of my emotions and shit, but I'll remind you just in case. Remember, I had balls of steel... and you fuckers made em rust.<p>

Come get some, Duke - - - - -

"HOLY SHIT, C'MON GORILLA WE NEED TO GET TO TGI FRIDAYS BEFORE THESE FUCKS BLOW THE CITY!" Kevin James knew well the only funny part in his movie, and even then it was going to be a long shot to make it worth seeing. He had no choice but to give Haruhi and co the finger as he hopped onto the back of a blue man with a dildo coming out of his head and rode his way down to TGI Fridays.  
>"Well piss!" Exclaimed Haruhi, "Now I'll never get to make sweet sweet love with my true love."<br>"WTF HARHI!" Kyon exclaimed, punching Itsuki to the ground so he could confront her, "KEVIN JAMES IS YOUR TRUE LOVE!"  
>"Ya"<br>THE END

.

.

.  
>"BUT HE DOESNT LUV U 5EVER LIKE I DO! He only love his FOOOOOOD" Kyon explained, however was interrupted by the sharp sound of WUUBWUBWUBWUUB.<br>"WUBUBUBUBUB" the Skralx roared, stretching its wings. The massive beast appeared similar to that of a Pteradactyl, except half of his head appeared to be caught in some sort of terrible shaving accident and it looked like it was trying to cover that up with a combover. Kyon wasn't convinced.  
>"HEY YA BIG SKRALX, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!"<br>"It's cool..." Mikuru murmured, wubs begining to hum in her eyes as she fell into the Skralx's spell, "Drop... the bass..." she murmured, slowly approaching the beast.  
>"AWWWE YEA, LET'S SPRAY WUB N' STUFF ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY, AND THEN THE WORLD!" Death Mouse the Fifth exclaimed, his hand outstretched as he commanded the Skralx to spread its wub upon Haurhan, "DROP THE BASS!" he commanded, a massive fishlike creature falling from the heavens above, ready to flatten Haruhi.<br>"!" Kyon shouted in matrex slo-mo as the fish was bout to crush Haruhis, then suddenly.  
>PEW PEW PEW PEW Another figure fell from the sky, firing rapid bursts of energy into the bass and destroying it before it could be dropped.<br>"ENOUGH!" the figure shouted, tearing through the fish and dropping infront of Haruhi. It was BASS! "It looks like there was a little flaw in your plan, DeadMouse!" Bass shouted, "When you wanted the Skralx to drop the Bass, you forgot about me!"  
>"Bass you BASTARD! I should've killed you when I had the chance! But I won't make that mistake again!" Dedmews shouted, his crown igniting into flames as he leaped from the Skralx, his eyes glowing eerily as he tilted his head to one side, "I guess I'll just have to kill you myself."<br>"I WON'T HAVE MY GOOD NAME TARNISHED BY YOU AND THE SKRALX ANYMORE!" Bass shouted, his eyes alight with rage, "I AM THE STRONGEST ROBOT IN THE WORLD! I WON'T BE MADE A FOOL BY SOME FUCKING HISPTREN BASTARDS!" Bass fired hard at the Skrlax but it was no use.  
>"WUBUBUBUBUBUB" the Skrlax let out its terrifying wail, causing Bass' elephant like ears to pick it up full force, putting him hard into a migraine.<br>"GAH! I... CANT TAKE IT!" Bass fired in all directions, inadvertedly killing Itsuki with his fire.  
>"Face it Bass, it's all over." DeceasedMau5 approached him slowly, grabbing him by the neck, "You should've just stayed quiet and let us rule the world, but now we'll need to kill you too" SNAP. With that Bass fell limp. Then he exploded like shit does in MegaMen games when the player touches spikes GOD I FUCKING HATE THOSE PLATFORMS THAT GO INVISIBLE AND DRO.<br>"YOU WHOREFACED COCK SUCKInG MONSTER!" Mikuru shouted, snapped from her daze. She secretly had major crushes on Bass, and now that he was dropped into hell by the Skralx's deadly roar, she had a bad case of ripped up heart. Too bad Dr. House was busy in Germany dealing with the T-Virus.  
>Swiftly Mikuru took a knife out of her fake boobs and leaped forward, slashing the Deadrat5 in the neck and watching him go limp. Tears escaped her soft eyes, her soul broken as she watch the mau5 fall to his knees, "I... didn't want it to end like this... I didn't... want him to die..." Kyon was ferociously masterbating the entire time, finding it hard not to resist. After all, wining is such a turn on.<br>"Heh... heh..."  
>Mikuru gasped in shock, her bloody knife falling to the ground as her eyes opened wide in horror.<br>"HA HA HA HA HA HAH HAH!" Deadmau7 laughed hysterically, standing up triumphantly as blood rushed down his body, "HA HA HA HAH HAH HAH HAH!"  
>"M- Mau5! Snap out of i-" Before Haruhi could finish she felt a terrible stabbing sensation in her chest. She was stabbed! And by the DEADMOOSE4!<br>"I DID IT!" Deadmoth5 screamed, "I FINALLY KILLED EVERYONE I WANTED TO KILL! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! AND I DID IT ALL FOR YOU SKRALX! WAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
>"Deadma5..." Haruhi sputtered, coughing up a splash of crimson fluids, "Wh-... why...?" the brave girl trembled, for the first time in her life she was experiencing true fear as she felt the weight of her body crash upon her. Her eyes went wide, unfocused on everything but the coming fate before her. She knew for once in her life that the SOS Brigade wouldn't be able to bring her out of this mess. She had been too careless... She had let them all down... And now, pure shame and terror became all she could feel as death's cold grip latched onto her soul.<br>"Sayonara, HARUWHORE!" Deadmau5e shouted, ripping the blade from her chest. Haruhi's vision began to cloud, her eyes filling with tears as her body crashed to the ground. She lay there, her muscle spasms causing her body to shake though she could move no more. She didn't want to die, she didn't want this to be the end. She had her whole life ahead of her, and now that was that? It was all just... gone?  
>A terrible sensation of utter emptiness consumed Haruhi, her skin going cold as her eyes completely clouded over. It was too late for her to feel Kyon hovering over her, shaking her, trying to force her back to life though it was all for naught. This was the end for Haruhi and she knew it.<br>"I... sorry... K- Kyon..." she let out in a hoarse whisper, "I... l-... y-" and with that her body went completely limp, her eyelids falling to a close.  
>Haruhi Suzumiya was dead. (That was the part, fuckers)<br>" !" Kyon screamed, prematurely ejaculating after prodding his dick into Haruhi as an attempt to wake her up.  
>"WHY!" Nagato screamed suddenly, her gaze locked in a fitting rage on the Mous5, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE, DEADMAS! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE SO YOU CANT DIE SO YOU COULD KILL HARUHANSAMA!"<br>"Why...?" The mua5 looked puzzled for a moment, tilting his head to the side as he ripped a short bowel movement, "Why... it was all a mistake really..." he slipped his hand quietly into his pocket, revealing a small tome. The word 'DEATHNOTE' graced its cover, as the mau5 slowly opened to the first page, "I stumbled onto this little notebook by chance one day... and so I decided to mark what was mine" On the first page of the book, writted in short delicate handwritting were the words 'This book belongs to: Joel Zimmerman', "But I had no idea of what power the book contained... and not long after I felt a terrible pain in my chest... and I died... so now... now I'm simple... DEEDmau5..." he grinned viciously, jagged teeth forcing their way through his gigantic maufive head, "But it was worth every pulse of agony, FOR NOW I AM A DEVIL!" he shouted, lunging forward to tear Kyon apart with his viscous mause claws!  
>"OH NO!" Kyon startled, however the claws being as they were slipped around leaving him unharmed.<br>"SKRAHHHHHHHHH!" The beast roared, flapping it's massive wings as it took flight.  
>"Woah! Wait for me Skralx! I'm your partner!" Deadmasu shouted, leaping a tremeandous height and landing softly onto the Skralx's back, "We'll be going to destroy the one thing you all treasure most next. If you want to even try and stop us, meet us there. Or else you'll die." Dedmujs claimed, laughing hysterically again as the Skralx took off.<br>"No..." Kyon murmured quietly, his boner all but lost its hardness, "No it can't... it can't be..."  
>"Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh old chum?" A voice spoke cockily, the SOS Brigade (sans Haruhag) turned swiftly to see who it was. A strange blue creature with tentacles for feet and arms, and a fancy unibrow stood before them. His body was blue, and his eyes large and like ovals.<br>"Who are you!" Kyone demanded, defending Haruhi's bloody remainds.  
>"IIII am Squilliam Fancyson and only IIIIII know how to bring back your girrrrrrrrLLLLL." the squid spoke in a taunt, his large nose inflating a deflating as he honked out a short chuckle.<br>"But we don't have time for this!" Shouted Mikuru, "We need to stop the Skralx before he destroys the one thing we love most!"  
>"But what do we love most?" Kyone asked.<br>Nagato's eyes went wide with horror as she spoke a single word to answer all of their questions,  
>"Black Ops."<br>- - - - -

Meanwhile, Dr Robotnik (from AoSTH) stumbled upon Dr Robotnik (from SatAM)'s old lab and found the old shrek remains and continued the mecha shrek project.  
>"SKKKKKKKKKKKRATCH! GRRRRRRRROWNDA!" he shouted, "Come and witness my most ingenious creation ever!" he demanded, the two metallic cronies quickly making their way to his labratory. The ingenious doctor pulled aside a curtain, revealing his newest creation. The large ogre stood like he had in the past, though now something was different about Shrek. The back of his head was made entirely of metal, and only red slits remained in place of what were once his eyes.<br>"It's an ingenious combination of metallic prototypes and monstrous ogre flesh! I call it... Borgre!"  
>"I. Am. An. Borgre. Rah." the remains of Shrek spoke robotically, tearing apart a set of Robotnik's experimental tools.<br>"GAAAAAAH! YOU PINGAS! THAT WAS MY NEXT CREATION!"  
>"Get. Out. Of. My. Swamp." jet engines suddenly burst to life in Mecha Shrek's ass, a legion of flames exploding from his nether regions as the mecha ogre took off into the skies, going god knows where.<br>"Where is he heading, your ingeniousness?" Grounder questioned, Robotnik ripping his nose cone off and shoving it up Scratch's BUTT.  
>"I DON'T KNOW! But when I do know... I'll be sending him back to the scrap heap that he came from! SCRATCH, GROUNDER, FIND ME THAT OGRE!"<p>

Raiden and Siggas got to America. They started smoking up some doobies with Falkor, completely missing the Skralx as it flew past them cause they were total Stonemen at this point.  
>It wasn't until hours later that the 2 were shooken back to their senses.<br>"Oh no! Siggas my old friend, do you know where the Skralx is going?"  
>"To get a blowjob from Kim Kardashian? Cause I know that's where I'd be going if I had wub powers."<br>"No my friend, he's going to destroy the world of online gaming as we know it... he's going to take out the PSN and Xbox live American servers! Now children will never be able to spend 23 of the 24 hours of their miserable lives skipping school to shoot 12 year olds in a title that has been rated suitable for 17 year old mature adults!" At this point Raiden turned to face the viewers, "Of course we wouldn't have this problem if you PARENTS would get off your lazy asses and pay attention to what your kids are actually doing in their rooms all day long." Raiden was obviously still high as a muthafucking kite, but he had a point. The Skralx was going to destroy online gaming as the world knew it.  
>"AW HEEEEL NO! I AINT GONNA HAVE SOME FATASS SKRALX TAKE AWAY MY XBOX LIVE!" Siggas shouted, summoning his ki as burst rushing into the air. Raiden nodded, summoning his lightning as following shortly after. Falkor met up with Dudley the Dragon and Dudley from Street Fighter and they were all totally shootin' the shit, so Raiden decided not to bother him.<p>

THE END

Yeah Haruhi's fuckin DEAD. DEAL IT.


	11. THE BATTLE BEGINS

THE BATTLE BEGINS! HARUHI. CHAPTER E-LEVEN  
>"What does it take to make you want to take off your clothes haruhi?"<br>*WARNING LEMONS*

The sos brigade now without their VALIANT leader Haruhi Suzumiya is nothing but a hollow shell of emptiness and sorrow trying to save the call of duty games. The sos brigade, along with a homosexual squid, had to finish the job just as Kyon once finished all over Nagato in her sleep. "Must be alien goop." Kyon would say when she woke up. The sos brigades plan was to make it to call of duty headquarters before the Skralx and save the late day. Kyon suggested they go to the airport, but was denied approval of that idea and instead Koizumi took them to a nearby shady looking dock. "My uncle owns a large ship and I will ask if my uncle whom owns the large ship if he could take us to the call of duty headquarters in his large ship." Koizumi had said that his uncle owned a large ship and that he would ask if his uncle whom owned the large ship could take them to the call of duty headquarters in this large ship. Kyon talked with Mikuru. "Ya Mikuru you've got a really fine ass and all but this really isn't working out for me." "Oh" Mikuru took off Haruhi's clothes and the ship mates nearby all whistled and started masturbating. Kyon being the not fag he is joined in the fun and accidentally'd all over Nagatos body in the face. "I guess my sneeze bomb catcher went a… little off course?" Nagato had his penis cut off. This made kyon cry "" "HEY GUYS CMON!" Itsuki waved and pointed to a large ship. "That's not as big as my large ship HAAA HAAA HAAA" Squilliam was gay.

Elsewhere aboard the Skralx, daedmua5 used his Crystal Ball to spy on Kyon and the gang green gang who were having a massive orgy. "CTHULU I SUMMON YOU!" The beast came out of the ocean and into the frying pan. Deedmau5 offered the Skralx a piece of the delicacy which he ate up like how Nagato would eat up ghost goop when she went to "change her clothes". "CTHULU I SUMMON YOU!" The anime girl came out of the high school and onto the Skralx. "What are your orders my master?" They talked and then she sucked a mean deadmaudick and was off.

The sos brigade along with many evil pirates were aboard the ship dancing like pros. "AYE LISTEN UP YE SCUMBAG SCALLYNIGGERS!" The cap'n was making sure everyone knew that he was in fucking charge. "WE'RE GOIN TO KENTUCKY TO SAVE THIS ERE CALL OH DUTY BLACK HOPS GAME BECAUSE A FEW KIDS WANT US TOO." The crew all started to laugh. "Geez Koizumi these guys look fucking dirty and like pirates are you sure this is the right ship?" "yes" "AHOY MATES KILL'EM ALL! I WANT THESE KIDS STRUNG TO THE GALLOWS BEFORE SUNDOWN." And like that the cap'n went back to his quarters, nickels and dimes. The sos brigade was surrounded by a swarm of angry horny pirates. "Ahh kyon-chan help us!" Mikuru grabbed kyon. Kyon realized this was an epic opportunity to get some more pussy and was about to man the fuck up and shake rattle n roll these pirates when all of the sudden Squilliam stood infront of him facing the pirates. "YOU PIRATES WILL BE SORRY YOU EVER MESSED WITH SQUILLIAM FANCYSONS(?)!" Squilliam took in a huge load of air while Nagato took in a huge load of something else from one of the fat greasy Mexican pirates. "FUS…RO…DAH!" *FASHBOOOM* And with those words all the pirates were blown into the ocean except for the one Nagato was blowing shes a sucker for dick. "Dovahkiins taught me that one." Squilliam said to Kyons face with a bit of an "you're a huge faggot" look in his eyes. "AYE WHERE BE MY CREW? YOU BE PAYIN FOR WHAT YE DONE TO ME BOYS!" The cap'n held a fully loaded gatling aimed at kyon and totally let lose all over him. "AHH NOT MY FACE OH PLEASE NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE I I I ILL DO ANYTHING!" Kyon pleaded to the Cap'n. Only the shots didn't hit Kyon because Squilliam jumped in the way of him taking all the bullets to his heart which he has. "SQUILLIAM WHY!" "I wanted to die a hero's death unlike you, pussy." And with those dying words he died. "Shrug" Kyon did. "I SHALL CRUNCHITIZE YOU HIGHSCHO-" But before the cap'n could finish he died of cardiac arrest. "wow" Kyon soiled his pants as Nagato reached into the cap'ns pants. "NO YOU FILTHY WHORE" Kyon smacked Nagato across the face and then she bit him in the dick err the arm. "AWWWOOOWWWEEEE!" "STOP FIGHTING!" Mikurus shitty pleas were no use Kyon and Nagato started beating each other senseless. "HIT'EM WITH THE CHAIR!" Then after violently groping Nagatos tits by mistake she blushed and kyon felt an erection coming on (his penis grew back) and then he kissed her passionatly. Nagato continued to unzipper Kyons pants and slid her hand all around his junk which was all warm and smelly and wet because he pissed himself. Kyon started pounding the crap out of Nagatos poosie until along came a talking parrot "SQWACK TINY PENIS SQAWCK" This made Kyon feel self-conscious so he blew his load all over the parrot and took a shit which pissed off Nagato because she was a sperm dumpster who started licking the parrot and fingering its asshole. A pirate was watching the whole thing and then threw up because he remembered that his job was to swab the decks.

"Look Kyon it's the cod hq!" Mikuru stood on that large board that sticks out from the front of the ship you know the one not the plank but the one captain scurvy was dancing on? "I See it! And theres no sign of a skralx anywhere!" Itsuki was hugging Nagato it looked kawaii. ^w^ Then an anime girl with silky smooth silver hair stood atop the crows nest and called down to the sos. "I cannot allow you to go any further… Brace your selfs!" This really pissed off Kyon so they all agreed to have a fivesome. "Ahh Kyon san quit tangling your dick in mine!" Itsuki wasn't gay "Sorry" "Y'know Kyon after this hot fivesome, I still have orders to kill you and your friends!" "HAHAHA NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST" And then Kyon started choking Cthulu with his dick "COUGH HACK GAG SPUTTER" Cthulu died and kyon threw her atop Squilliams corpse with a lighter.

"SKRALX! DESTROY THE BLACK OPS!" The Skrallx and Dedmou5 had beaten the sos brigade to the call of duty headquatrats. The Skrallx fired a blast towards the cod building. "WUB WUB WUB WUB" An bogre stood atop the cod building. "OH AYE CAN DO BETTER THEN THAHT!" "BWOBWOWUBWUBWOOBWOUB" The mecha bogre fired to the Skralx a sample of its own hipstern shit which was without a doubt much better. "YOU DARE FIGHT THE GREAT SKRALX AND I!" Deadm4u5 was fucking pissed. "OY BRING IT ON YA WEE FAIRY BOY!"  
>The battle of eons has begun…<br>Next time – SPIN OFF CHAPTER INVOLVING PONIES 


	12. FRIENDSHIP IS HARUHI

HARUHI CHAPTER 11.5

FRIENDSHIP IS MELANCHOLY

Prequel to the true story of haruhi suzumiya

Twilight sparkle was yawning. "Yaaaawn That was some party last night" The pony had been attending a party the night before at rainbow dashes stable never mind apparently they have fucking legitimate full houses. Twilight sparkle looked around and to HER surprise she wasn't in Equestria anymore. "Hey Rainbow dash wake up we're somewhere strange." "Huh?" Rainbow dash felt as though she was gang fucked the night before. "We'd better go and ask some locals about where we are." "Grab my hand. FRIENDSHIP"

Haruhi was just entering the club room to eat lunch with her friends. "Hey fags and faggettes guess what I found!" Kyon was afraid "oh no what could it beee?" Haruhi slammed a horse on the desk. "I FOUND A HORSE" Kyon facepalmed. "Haruhi that's not an horse, that's a pony!" "Huh? Whats a pony?" Haruhi looked genuinely scared now. "Its like a horse but you can comb their hair and they are more pretty and little." Haruhi knew what it was like to get her hair combed. "Would you like some tea Ms Pony?" Mikuru was fucking adorable awwwww. "No thank you dear." "HUH!AHHH!WOAH!" The sos brigade looked at each other they were scared and kyon was "pissing the pants". "D-d-d-did that pony just talk?" Haruhi shook her head it was cute. "huh? Where in Celestia's name am I?" The pony looked genuinely confused. "Your in North high in Japan little pony what are you lost?" Itsuki had a great way with ponys. "Yes it appears I would be." The pony was genuinely sad. "Don't worry I'm sure Ms suzumiya will help you find a way back home, RIGHT HARUHI?" Haruhi didn't like being put on the spot or taking shit from kyon so she started throwing tea cups at him. "AHH HARUHI SETTLE DOWN!" She couldn't hold back any longer. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DAMN IT KYON I DIDDNT EVEN REALLY WANT A HORSE EXCEPT TO MAKE COSTUMES FOR MIKURU OUT OF IT AND NOW THANKS TO YOUR WISDOM WE HAVE A FUCKING TALKING HORSE WHOM IS LOST. IM LOST TOO KYON. LOST ON THE INSIDE." Haruhi started to cry this was all too much for her to handle. "Did you say you were making dresses?" The pony was talking to haruhi and didn't seem offended by the racist slurs haruhi had muttered under her breathe such as "Fucking horse" or "Those penis licking horses". "I am THE most talented dress maker where I come from." Haruhi saw this as a wonderful opportunity to get some new slutty outfits for Mikuru and Kyon saw this as a great opportunity to get some poosie somehow? "Tell ya what ms horse." Haruhi spoke and Nagato was playing Angry birds. "We'll help you get home.." Kyon thought to himself. "OH NO SHE SAID WE'LL! DAMN IT HARUHI I DON'T WANT ANY PART IN THIS I WOULD RATHER BE A LONER WITH NO FRIENDS OF POOSIE." "But in return, I want you to make some sexy outfits for my friend and profitable character Mikuru here!" The Pony and Haruhi shook hands/hooves. "It would be a pleasure my dear!" Haruhi smiled she loved making friends. "Oh by the way, I never got your name!" "Rarity" Said the horse in a bitch voice. The sos brigade told rarity all about new york and they went to town to see if anyone there knew anything about how hyperdimensianal travel worked. They didn't know at the time that this journey would teach them many values about friendship and test their love for each other.

Twilight sparkle and Rainbow dash had landed in a quaint little village. "Look theres a few humans lets ask if they know anything about what happened last night!" Rainbow dash was hesitant to talk to these humans but she had no fear and wasn't hesitant in the slightest. "Excuse me! Can you help us? We seem to be in some other universe…" The children and teenagers looked at the ponys with bewilderment. "Keiichi… w-w-w-what are those?" The boy held up an iron bat. "Please don't hurt us! Whatever it is we don't know what happened! We were just bystanders!" Twilight sparkle had fucked up. "wait you've got this all wrong-" she tried to approach the boy. His friends started running away and screaming and he had swung his bat. *SWUUUUNG* Twilight sparkle was out cold in the snow a few years ago. Twilight sparkle being the fucking ninja she is, totally dodged the bat like a boss pony. "SONIC BOOM" A nearby Guille had fired his projectile in the wrong direction knocking the bat out of Keiichi's hand and costing him the street fighter tournament. Rainbow dash used this as an opportunity to pin the boy to the ground with her hooves. "Listen we really would like some help here, we're not going to hurt anyone. We're your friends!" Keiichi took a deep breathe and thought to himself. "Is this part of oyashiras curse?" *sound of cicadas* Keiichi's friends came back and the ponies explained their situation and everyone apologized to each other and accepted each others apologies because that is what friendship is about. "Don't worry Ponies we'll help you get back home!" "Neepa!" The gang set off for sonozaki shrine to further investigate this mystery."

It was a snowy night in tokyo and miku was cold haruhi was cold fuck. The sos brigade split up to try and find a solution to their predicament. Kyon and Mikuru had been asking people about ponies for sometime now and got punched in the face and balls several times each. Kyon was about to give up when an image of haruhi popped in his head and he pulled out a joint. "Want one?" He offered Mikuru a joint and she declined being the nice Christian girl she is. She then fucked Kyon behind the school while a little girl watched and was corrupted for life. They walked another 100 miles and then Kyon saw a familiar hedgehog. "Hey you!" The hedgehog turned around and raised Kyon into the air with a bit of fancy hand-work. "IVE FINALLY FOUND YOU! IBLIS TRIGGER!" "No silver that's just Kyon-chan remember?" Mikuru pleaded for Kyon to be spared because true friends look out for each other and are there in times of need. "oh my bad" Silver let Kyon down. "Hey Silver we've run into a little predicament where a pony got stuck in our universe and they need to get back to hers or else the space time continuem will be destroyed and we know that you know a lot about time travel and the like, think you could maybe help us out?" "Hmmmm" Mikuru gave Kyon a little peck on the cheek it was real kawaii. "If you really need help with this I can probably use the chaos emerald and chaos control to send the horse back to its proper place." "Thanks silver! C'mon this way!"

TO BE CONTINUED WHENEVER I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO 


	13. F Whatever Happened in the Last Chapt

Chapter 13 - Fuck whatever happened in the last chapter

"WOWOWOWOWOW"  
>"WUBUBUBUBUB"<br>"BWUBBWUBWUB!"  
>The wubs and bwubs were shattering the sound barrier as the Skralx and Borgre unleashed their full powers. Windows smashes, glass shattered and brains imploded as the horrendous sounds of Hipsteren power tore through the Blops network building.<br>"You Bogre bastard! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM! I AM THE MAUSSSSSSSSS5 I WONT EVA DIE! IM ALREADY DEaaaaaaEEEEEEEAD!" the mew5 cackled, lasers of death firing from his giant moo5 eyes and tearing into Bogre, holding him still as the Skralx mercilessly tore into him with wub after dub.

"NOT SO FAST!" A triumphant voice yelled, lightning firing to the top of a nearby building as Raiden materialized, "I have asked a favour of the elder gods, Deedmoo4, one that I do not believe you will enjoy!" Raiden claimed, a bolt of lighting extending from his hand and stunning the DJ.  
>"HAHA, too LATE Raiden! You can't kill me, the MAWS is already DEAD!"<br>"Do not be so sure!" With that Deadmau5 began to glow with a magnificent light, the colour of his red mo55 head turning black, as he resumed his living form from the power of god cpr.  
>"Wh- what! HOW DID YOU! I CAN'T BE LIVINGMAU5, PEOPLE WON'T RESPE-" But before he could finish, Bogre leaped forward and grabbed the mau5 in his mighty hands.<br>"BETTER. OUT. THAN. IN." it spoke robotlike, ripping off Alivemau5's head and devouring it fangoriously. Now he was just Dead5.

Kyon and the crew finally arrived at the nearest port. After wrenching Nagato off of a smelling Norwegian pirate, the group made their way to the Blops network HQ, staring in awe at the battle before them.  
>Dead0's body lay amidst a bloody battle of wub and dub, while Bogre roared massively into the Skralx's terrible whailing. Raiden stood by, watching quietly. He could not interfere at this point because of elder gods or some shit. Lol, he's a sucker for his religion.<br>"We'll need a tear from the Skrlax to save Haruhi." Nagato explained, "A single tear, no more."  
>"But how can we make the Skralx cry!" Kyon couldn't take it anymore, this action was getting to sweaty and Itsuki feeling up Mikuru on the sidelines was only making him antsy.<br>"AW HEEL NAW!" Siggas was taking turns with Itsuki as they abused Mikuru, "THAT GUY IS SUCKIN MORE DICK THAN KIM KARDASHIAN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!" he announced, noticing that the Skralx was begining to lose his strength.  
>"If we don't get the tear before he dies... Haruhi will be ded forever!"<p>

"Forever is a long time, BITCH." Everyone turned to the sound of the voice. It was none other than

DUKE

NUKEM!

Greatest hero that mankind has ever known!  
>"That Skralx son of a bitch is gonna PAY!" he shouted, hopping forward and firing his RPG at the Skralx.<br>"WU- DFOK:LDG" The Skralx was interupted by the blast, Borgre getting his chance to fire the Skralx down, pressing him to the ground. In his final moment of weakness, the Skralx let out another skreech! HE HAD SUMMONED HIS HISPTERN BREATHEREN, AN ARMY OF ALLIES SUDDENLY SURROUDNING HIM AND CHARGING FORWARD, USING THEIR BLACKOPS CONTROLLERS TO PRETEND TO FIRE WEAPONS AT DUKE.  
>"Come get some ya fuckers!" Duke demanded, whipping out his shotgun and blowing their heads off one by one, "I've got BALLSBALLSBALLSBALLSBALLS"<br>"AWW, HEEL NAW! DAT GUY IS BUSTIN UP ALL MAH FANS! AWWWWWWW NO! AWWWWWWWWWWWWW NO!" Siggas cried, going SSJ5 and shooting after Duke, the two entering a heated exchange of fists and kicks.  
>The Skralx watched the carnage and bloodshead in agony, for the first time in his life he began to realize what a monster he had become. This warfield of carnage was almost like a mirror to him, showing him what he had done to the world, what he was. He let out a soft wub of sadness, a single tear begining to grow upon his cheek.<br>"THAT'S IT!" Kyon screamed, kicking Nagato off of his throbbing member and leaping into the air. The world went in slow motion as Kyon flew over the carnage below, ala Space Jam, slowly reaching closer and closer to the Skralx. The Skralx looked shocked, but before he could wub or dub, Kyon ripped his eye clear out of it's socket, the creature screaming in pain as Kyon ran off. The Skralx began to claw at him, coming close behind until, NONE OTHER THAN DUKE LEAPED IN TO SAVE THE DAY, PISSING IN THE CREATURE'S EYE SOCKET IN ORDER TO DISTRACT IT.  
>"Who wants WHITE MEAT HUH! WHO WANTS IT!" Duke yelled at the creature, ramming his meaty, fleshy, massive 20" penis into the creature's eye hole.<br>"Siggas, you are attacking the wrong foe!" Raiden yelled down, lighting shooting from his penis like kamehameha and smashing the black man away from Duke, "This is the Xbox online building, do you know how much money they charge you for something you could be getting free from the pirate bay?"  
>"WHAT? THEY EXPECT ME TO PAY $1 FOR SOME SHITTY ASS ONLINE SERVICE! A DOLLAR! AWWWWWWWW NO!" Siggas cried, ranting in front of his fans. The zombified siggasnation dropped all of their controllers, the real world suddenly becoming visable to them again, "We need to be ERASED." Demanded Siggas, "STARTING WITH THAT CHEAP BOOTY ASS SKRALX!"<br>With that all of the Hipsteren teens finally wnet back to their senses, grabbing onto the Skralx and pinning it down hard.  
>"COME GET SOME!" Duke roared, shoving a circular disc into the Skralx eye socket and then leaping into the air. In one graceful move, both the Skralx and all of its Hipsteren cronies were no more, as the disc exploded into a hellfire of godly proportions.<br>"Mr. Duke, you have saved this fair country!" Kyon exclaimed, "How can we ever repay you, great King Duke?"  
>"I want a DRINK." Duke demanded, approaching Mikuru, "Your face, your ass, what's the difference?" he asked as he forced her to perform oral.<br>"ALL HAIL DUKE, KING OF THE LESBIANS!" Itsuki cried with joy, he was gay.  
>"ALL HAIL DUKE, KING OF THE LESBIANS!" echoed Raiden.<br>"ALL HAIL DUKE, KING OF THE LESBIANS!" Demanded Falcor.  
>Borgre took a massive dubshit, the likes of which caused Kyon to ejaculate immediately.<br>Everyone treated Duke as a grand hero, and everyone bought his newest game because Duke Nukem is the greatest hero that the world has ever known and ever would know in existance. He is the king, he is the duke he is A number 1. Everyone man and woman alive wants to have mad, raunchy sex with Duke.

Kyon took the Skralx's eye and squeeze a single tear into Nagato's mouth. Nagato then proceeded to have mad lesbian sex with Haruhi's body, forcing the tear into her coochie and reviving the girl.  
>"HEY, I'M OKAY!" She shouted, crushing Nagato's head between her legs, effectively killing her, "We did it SOS Brigade, we saved the day!" she cheered. Kyon was glad that his super kawaii waifudesuchan was back to life, now he could stop fucking Mikuru and move back to his true love.<br>Everything seemed to finally go back to normal. The fighting's over, and peace has been restored. And the best part of it all was that nobody too important ended up dying.  
>"Haruhi..." Kyon spoke quietly, "What were you going to say to me... before you died...?<br>Haruhi blushed, her shy said looking super moe-eh as she whispered in a cute little peep, "I... I was going to say that I... I love ..."  
>"You... you love m-"<br>"I LOVE BEING A TURTLE!"  
>"COWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAABUNGA!" the group shouted in unison, leaping into the air and having a freezeframe highfive moment as "Pizza Power" from the coming out of their shells tour starting playing (without the additional brackets (www.)(you)(tube).comwatch?v=tKkExWToWkc), and the picture faded to black.  
>Oh and they all had a super hot, XXX orgy and Duke got to do Nagato, Haruhi and Mikuru simultaneously while Kyon watched with a single tear.<p>

HAPPY END.


End file.
